This is our post convention special, where we analyze all of the candidates running for president and vice-president to determine whether they will be good for sex or not.
Why Sarah Palin is Bad for Sex
The selection of Sarah Palin for Vice President is like watching a slow motion car crash. The Republican base seems to love her, but then again they love NASCAR, where crashing and burning is part of the fun. There have been a lot of criticisms of Sarah Palin, but I think a lot of them are just hot air. It doesn’t bother me that Sarah Palin has been involved with a secessionist group that wants to make Alaska an independent country. That’s actually a brilliant idea. They secede; we invade them, and take their oil.
It doesn’t bother me that she refuses to talk to the people who want to depose her in the brother in law scandal. She won’t talk to reporters either. That is just being consistent.
It doesn’t bother me that she has only been governor for less than two years. After all, her underage daughter is going to marry a self-described “fucking redneck” she only knew for little over a year. These Palins just do things fast. I don’t know how the boy feels about suddenly being the marrying kind even after posting how he did not want kids on his MySpace page. Its not like he has a lot of choice- he has seen the trooper scandal and knows what happens when you cross the Palin family. She becomes VP and he might wind up in Guantanamo.
And it doesn’t bother me that she laughed when her conservative radio interviewer called one of her female political opponents a bitch. McCain also laughed during a town hall meeting when a woman referred to Hillary as the bitch. It just shows they really are soul mates.
And so what if she appears to be a dominionist who believes that America is a Christian nation that should be ruled by Biblical law. If she is wrong, all we lose are a few rights and freedoms. If she is right, we risk eternal damnation.
I don’t care whether or not she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, as alleged in the National Enquirer. It is amusing to see conservatives who praised the National Enquirer for their journalism when they broke the John Edwards affair story now furiously backpedaling. To my knowledge, she has not taken a position on affairs, pro or con. She and her husband could be swingers for all I know. I mean, what the hell else is there to do in Alaska? So to me it’s a non-story.
And her lack of experience and sparse formal education doesn’t bother me either. After all, McCain, when he opposed enforcing equal pay for equal work regulations, said clearly that the problem was not that women were getting paid less, but that women in general just need more training before being eligible for pay equity. He actually said that and I believe he means it, so while Palin is being trained on the job, I’m guessing American taxpayers will save a bundle by not having to pay her as much.
None of these things really bother me. What bothers me are her extremist views on sex, and since that is what this show is about, that is what we’ll focus on.
One of the remarkable aspects of her candidacy is that she poses a lot of interesting questions we’ve never dealt with before at the executive level of presidential politics, questions that the media is terrified of pursuing for fear of being labeled sexist.
Should a mother with a special needs child and a pregnant underage daughter even run for vice president? Does that essentially turn the Vice President’s office into a nursery? And is that progressive or just bad parenting and bad vice-presidenting? Would we even ask these questions if she were a man?
And in this day and age are we really celebrating a very young and immature girl being essentially forced to marry a young and immature boy just because she got pregnant? And why is keeping the baby being called a responsible decision for a 17 year old when adoption would seem to be so much more responsible? Do we really believe that 17 year olds are ready to raise children, let alone get married, and that doing so should be encouraged?
That is essentially the position the Republican family values crowd is taking now, and it totally baffles me. This is their idea of responsibility? No condemnation of young girls getting pregnant- its just one of those typical family problems that real Americans face. She just has to grow up more quickly now, and face a more limited future. Hey, girls get pregnant.
But just months ago, conservatives were gleeful in claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears mom is a bad mom but Sarah Palin just stands by her principles. It is a good thing her daughter is not homeless in Alaska, though. Palin slashed funding by 20 percent for housing for teenage mothers. Or in need of health care. Palin opposed the S-Chip program.
The Republicans claim that the story of her pregnant 17 year old daughter should be off the table- not discussed except by Palin when she says how proud she is of her daughter deciding to chose life and have the baby. If she does not want the issue of her daughter discussed, she shouldn’t discuss it. Don’t use your child as a prop- just refuse to comment at all. Because then we have to question just how much choice in that family her daughter would have had.
Palin’s choice is to take away everyone else’s right to choose. She opposes abortion under any circumstances except the imminent death of the mother determined by a doctor- and she damned better well be just about to die, not simply at risk. And her claim that she is proud of her daughter’s choice is ludicrous in light of the fact that she supports legislation that, even when abortion is legal, would put the decision in the hands of the parent and ignore the decision of the pregnant child. She wants to be the one to choose whether her daughter keeps the baby or not. She is so proud that her daughter chose to do what she would force her to do, even against her will.
Palin falls into the typical extremist mold of those who prefer not to be confused by facts. It will never occur to her that her opposition to anything but strict abstinence only sex education might have played some role in her daughter getting pregnant. She’ll blame the media, or liberals, or anyone but herself.
One of the problems is that there is so much distortion about her positions and so little time to discover the truth. For example, she can claim that she strongly opposes gay marriage but did support benefits for same sex couples. The truth, though, is that she took this stand only because her advisors told her that the ban on same sex benefits proposed by the legislature was unconstitutional. She does, however, support a constitutional ban on benefits for same sex couples. And she can say that she does not specifically oppose hate crimes laws that target gays- but only because she opposes hate crime laws of any kind.
And by stating that she would force her children to carry the baby of a rapist to term, even if that rapist were her husband or even a liberal elitist, she clearly comes down on the far fringes of the anti-abortion movement. But she also claims that she is not anti-birth control. That is a little hard to believe from a 44 year old woman on her fifth child. You’d almost wonder if she’d ever even heard of it.
It is difficult to know what she actually believes. While she does not spell out the details of her position on birth control, and has inferred that she supports teaching about condoms, we don’t know if this simply means teaching the usual anti-choice line that they don’t work. She is very actively involved with a group called Feminists for Life, and they do spell things out, sort of, if you know how to read between the lines. They have the Orwellian slogan, “Refuse to Choose”.
And they don’t seem to be what they try to appear to be. Perusing their site and writings reveals a far more conservative and radical agenda, which is hardly pro-contraceptive. But through lies and distortions, they can make it seem that they are not an extremist anti-choice anti-contraception group. Even though they are. We will cover them in more detail in next week’s Sexvestigation.
I really wonder about the choice of Heart’s Barracuda as theme music for her. I might suggest Art Garfunkel’s What a Wonderful World this Could Be. Google the words if you don’t remember.
I have a source in Alaska who has known the Palin family for years. According to this source, she has a very dysfunctional family and there are a lot more revelations to come. McCain may have been thinking with both his dick and his political ambition, but she may be a choice he comes to regret.
Why Joe Biden is Good for Sex
Joe and I don’t have the same opinion on abortion. He solidly opposes it. He opposes federal funding for it. I don’t care much for his beliefs on this issue, except that in general, he believes that his beliefs should not be forced on the American people.
Yes, his votes against federal funding and on banning partial birth abortion both suck. I don’t like it. But his overall voting record provides a much better picture, and clearly shows that despite sharing Sarah Palin’s opposition to abortion, his voting record is the opposite of Palin’s, if she had a voting record that is.
He solidly supports Roe v. Wade and women’s right to choose. He believes that judicial nominees should agree that there is a constitutional right to privacy. He voted against maintaining the ban on Military Base Abortions. He voted against a bill requiring notifying parents of minors who get out-of-state abortions. He voted for expanding research to more embryonic stem cell lines.
He supports comprehensive and age appropriate sex education that includes science based prevention methods. He voted yes on a bill providing $100 million to reduce teen pregnancy through education and contraceptives. He co-sponsored a bill ensuring access to and funding for contraception.
Here is what he had to say about gays in the military: I've been to Afghanistan, I've been to Iraq seven times, I've been in the Balkans, I've been in these foxholes with these kids, literally in bunkers with them. Let me tell you something, nobody asked anybody else whether they're gay in those foxholes. Our allies -- the British, the French, all our major allies -- gays openly serve. I don't know the last time an American soldier said to a backup from a Brit, "Hey, by the way, let me check. Are you gay? Are you straight?" This is ridiculous.
He has also said that gay marriage is probably inevitable. To paraphrase McCain fundraiser Clayton Williams’ joke about rape, I guess if it is inevitable, we should just lay back and enjoy it.
Biden opposes a constitutional ban on same sex marriage, he voted for including sexual orientation on the list of hate crimes, and for including sexual orientation in job discrimination legislation.
He did vote for the Defense of Marriage Act, but his views have apparently softened on this issue. He may have finally realized that gays pose far less of a threat to marriage than families who pressure their pregnant 17 year old into marriage.
And unlike Sarah Palin, he is a strong supporter of women’s rights. Last year he co-sponsored a bill that would reintroduce the Equal Rights Amendment.
Why Obama is Good for Sex
Obama is an attractive, exciting dynamic speaker, and speaking as a guy, I have a much better chance of getting laid after we watch one of Obama’s speeches. After a McCain speech, she’s sound asleep.
Obama stood up before a group of 2,000 evangelicals in deeply conservative Orange County and supported the use of condoms to fight AIDS as part of positioning himself to run for President. That took courage.
He has voted almost the exact opposite from McCain on women’s reproductive issues. He supports expanded access to contraception to reduce unintended pregnancy. He voted against banning partial birth abortion, and said that we should trust women to make the right decision for themselves. He supports stem cell research. He strongly supports Roe v. Wade. He voted for $100 Million to reduce teen pregnancy by education & contraceptives. He sponsored a bill providing contraceptives for low-income women.
While he will not cross the line to support gay marriage, he is still a strong defender of gay rights. He opposes California Prop. 8 which would reban gay marriage, a proposition McCain strongly supports. He believes that being gay or lesbian is not a choice, and that it ism not immoral. He asked “Has any marriage broken up because two gays hold hands?” He has compared the gay rights movement to the civil rights movement. He supports hate crime legislation that includes gays.
Unlike McCain, he actually understands that condoms prevent the spread of the disease. He and his wife went to Africa and got publicly tested- a very important thing to do since many won’t get tested there because they consider it shameful. He has been a leader in the global fight against AIDS.
He believes in age appropriate comprehensive sex education, and he also believes that sex education is needed to help children discuss molestation. He seems to understand that there is no better environment than one of ignorance for molesters to thrive in.
Like McCain, he has not really taken a stand on pornography. He does seem much less inclined than McCain to support censorship, however. He supports the use of technology to filter content from kids, and believes that it is a parental responsibility rather than having the government censor content. McCain is still trying to talk into his computer mouse and trying to imagine how all those tubes work that Ted Stevens described.
Why McCain is Bad for Sex
Sure, McCain looks more like he should be doing a Cialis commercial than running for president, but I suspect he still has a healthy sex drive. That would explain his repeatedly staring at Sarah Palin’s butt and fiddling with his wedding ring as seen in the popular YouTube video of his introduction of her at the VP rollout. I mean, after all, if he just wanted someone who looked good in a dress, he could have chosen Rudy Giuliani.
And while he may enjoy sex personally, and he seems not to be limited by the antiquated notions of marital fidelity, he would be very bad for sex for the rest of us. I think he has very conflicted notions about sex and a woman’s place in the world. He calls his vice presidential pick his soul mate, but all of the people I know who refer to their soul mates are also fucking them, or at least hoping to. Maybe he sees that as a possibility. He did say that he extensively vetted her, so he would have heard about the rumors of her having an affair with her husband’s business partner. He might be thinking she is not completely opposed to the idea workplace sex.
John McCain has used women all his life. He married the beauty queen. She got messed up in an accident so he cheated on her then dumped her, and just like his father, he wound up marrying a very wealthy woman. Now he is using an unqualified woman with an apparently irresistible ass to try and get elected president.
While McCain seems to change his stands on issues at a dizzying rate, the one thing that never seems to change is his 1950s era notions about women, children and sex. McCain has a 0% rating from Planned Parenthood for his stands opposing programs for women’s reproductive health, sex education, and disease prevention, and it did not help his rating that he voted to completely defund Planned Parenthood. Nor did it help that he backed away from his earlier pledge to change the Republican platform to include exceptions for abortion in the cases of rape, incest, or threat to the life of the mother. That’s right- potential fetal life trumps mom’s life in the Republican platform.
You’d be hard pressed to find anyone in the Senate more inhospitable to women’s reproductive rights than John McCain. He consistently votes against abortion and contraception, or at least he did back in the days when he bothered to show up to vote. He voted to end Title X family planning programs, and insurance coverage for contraceptives. And while McCain seems to want to ensure that women get pregnant and are forced to give birth, he is not very proactive when it comes to children. The Children’s Defense Fund has him on their list of worst Senators for children.
He also gets a zero rating from the National Abortion Rights Action League. According to NARAL, McCain "has never cosponsored or supported legislation that would prevent unintended pregnancy or reduce the need for abortion." So he shares the barefoot and pregnant credo that was common in his late teens and twenties in the 1950’s. His seven children, two adopted, make it clear what he thinks a woman’s job is. His current wife Cindy, after three births and multiple miscarriages led to spinal problems, wound up stealing painkillers from the medical charity she founded.
ren, two adopted, make it clear what he thinks a woman’s job is. His current wife Cindy, the m
On birth control, he is just as bad. He voted to terminate the Title X family-planning program. He voted to impose a federal parental-consent law on teens seeking birth control. He voted against legislation that would have required insurance coverage of prescription birth control, improved access to emergency contraception, and provided more women with prenatal health care. He voted against funding teen pregnancy prevention programs. He voted to defund the United Nations Population Fund.
On the issue of whether it was right for insurance companies to provide Viagra when they don’t provide birth control, an issue brought up by Carly Fiorian out stumping for him, he refused to respond to the question, and when pressed admitted he was completely ignorant on the topic. And by that I am sure that he meant ignorant about birth control, not Viagra. If he didn’t know about Viagra, I doubt his much younger heiress wife would be letting him use her jet to campaign in.
He would be useless in the fight against AIDS. He claims he doesn’t even know whether condoms help prevent spreading the disease.
McCain opposes sex education, accept when it is abstinence only. Keeping women ignorant, barefoot, and pregnant seems to be his primary goal. In fact, he does not seem to like women much at all. While campaigning, a woman in the audience called Hillary Clinton a bitch, and McCain just laughed. And there is the story of his calling his wife a whore and a cunt in front of reporters. And it might explain this little joke from McCain from years past- "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." Or his 1986 joke about a woman being raped by an ape.
John McCain does not like the gays. And it is not hard to understand why. McCain has all the homophobia one would expect from a man of his years. In McCain’s time, homophobia was rampant and accepted. When McCain was in his formative 20’s, it was the 1950’s. Gays were considered a threat to national security. The majority of people dismissed from the State Department were for accusations of homosexuality. Congress issued a report called "Employment of Homosexuals and Other Sex Perverts in Government". The Stonewall riots, the beginning of the gay rights movement, were many years away in 1969. Homosexual acts were illegal in most states. The American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a mental disorder, and that would not change until the 1970’s.
Even though many in leadership in the military now believe that gays can serve openly with distinction and honor, McCain does not. He wrote a letter to the Service Members Legal Defense Network supporting the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy because it, "unambiguously maintains that open homosexuality within the military services presents an intolerable risk to morale, cohesion and discipline." McCain’s thinking remains strongly rooted in the 1950s.
McCain supported the Arizona constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage- but that amendment went further. It also denied all benefits to unmarried couples. Even though gay couples raise children, McCain would deny them any benefits or legal rights that reflect the real situation they live in. That includes his opposition to gay adoption.
McCain opposed hate crimes legislation that would have included gays in a time when gay bashing is on the rise. He supports a constitutional ban on gay marriage.
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Like his very good friend Joe Lieberman, he strongly supports censorship. This makes him very in tune with Palin, who as mayor tried to fire a popular librarian because she was not on board with the book censorship thing. McCain said that Hollywood should voluntarily self-censor sex and violence. He supports forcing cable companies to accept ala carte pricing, a scheme that even the FCC said would reduce choice and increase costs, but is a scheme supported by conservatives because they believe it will put indecent channels out of business. He wants to see a return of the 1952 NAB code of conduct, which imposed strict self-censorship on television. He co-sponsored the bill to increase fines by the FCC for so-called indecency on television. It is little wonder that he wants the airwaves censored. That way they can’t broadcast the surprisingly inappropriate things his notorious and volcanic temper gets him to blurt out. Such as yelling fuck you at fellow Republican Senator John Cornyn. Or saying to Republican Senator Chuck Grassley during a debate “Your problem is that you're a fucking jerk."
Foul mouthed. Mysogynistic. Anti-gay. Stuck in the Past.
John McCain. The right man to lead us back into the 1950s.
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